My Awakening Journey

I was 31 years old and it was the week of my wedding. And I was falling apart. I couldn’t sleep, I was filled with anxiety and I was exhausted.

Two weeks later, I began to totally and utterly unravel.

I had intense anxiety. I was lost, I was sad, I didn’t know what was happening to me. I was unraveling at the seams and I had no clue where to go or what to do or what was to come.

In a time that was supposed to be full of joy (newly married) I was absolutely and utterly falling apart.

I had pushed myself to the brink of adrenal fatigue burnout and I was finally feeling the repercussions.

That year, I had thrown myself into my job, thrown myself into planning a wedding, all because underneath I was running. I was running away from my feelings, I was running away from my emotions and most importantly I was running away from my soul.

Looking back on it now I have the clear perspective that only time, growth and change can give you in that my first cycle of deep suffering was essentially a calling from my soul, from my true nature that I was definitely not on the right path. I had thrown myself into the external world trying to find fulfillment and happiness through my job and through planning a picture-perfect wedding all while using ‘busy-ness’ to cover up the underlying angst and anxiety and emotions that I didn’t know what to do with or how to process. The internet, the TV, society was telling me I should be happy. But my soul, my inner truth knew better. It was calling for something deeper and this was the first wake-up call that this life, this externally, socially acceptable life was just not it. I was looking for something deeper, I was looking for the calling back to myself. And not to the ego mind, thinking and society norms, but to my true self. I was off my path deeply and I needed to find my way back home.

The next year was filled with continuing to try and shove myself back into my old life—après drinks, concerts, trips, dinners out, etc. But nothing was working, nothing was making me truly happy. This was my first glimpse into seeing that the external world is not what makes us happy. I did not know this at the time, but looking back I can see it now. Source was calling on me to grow, calling on me to transform and move forward and align with the truth that’s inside all of us. And I kept ignoring the call. I kept trying to go back to my old life. But the call would not go away. I had to turn inward.

That fall I started to have panic attacks and I knew something had to change. My true inner knowing was screaming at me to heed the call and I finally started to listen. I read Gisele Bundchen’s book, my husband told me about it, and she talked about her burnout journey (very similar to mine) and how she now meditates. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this was the universe nudging me, dropping signs, giving clues. My therapist had suggested meditation prior and I had tried it a couple of times but I had no idea what I was doing and gave it a shot for a couple of days before I stopped. But that fall I knew I had to change, knew it at my core things needed to shift, so I started a daily meditation practice. Around that time, I also became very interested and started reading a lot about Buddhism. For some reason the teachings really resonated with me and so I started to read with an insatiable desire (I have always been a big reader, very curious and with a passion for learning).

That winter I am going to call the ‘releasing of emotions’ winter.

With the help of my daily mediation practice, yoga, and continual reading of Buddhism I let go and shed a lot of what I had been holding onto in my body that winter. Like a lot. I cried a ton (which I now realize was a releasing). I had built up so many emotions within my body without properly releasing them and they all came out that winter. I also started to have beautiful heart openings and for the first time in awhile, I started to come back to myself.

That next summer, I had my first realization. Owing to my daily mediation practice I was able to see how self-centered my mind was. I also didn’t realize it at the time, but this was my first glimpse of seeing how the ego really acts. I could see how selfish it was and it was astonishing and appalling.

This awareness brought forth my first jump in consciousness.

That fall I started to unravel again, but I didn’t realize it at the time, this was an unraveling that would lead to beauty and growth vs. an unraveling that was saying danger, danger wrong path, wrong direction. Luckily my therapist was able to explain to me that this was a step that was taking me to a new level of consciousness. It still didn’t make it easy though.

Whenever I am in a cycle of transformation and growth (always follows some sort of realization, perspective shift, increased awareness, opening, letting go, etc.) it is deeply, deeply uncomfortable. It is essentially your being changing, transforming and growing and em-bodying your newfound perspective, shift, opening, etc. But holy smokes the process is rough, especially if you don’t know what is going on. For me, these cycles usually last a couple of months and they include a lot of anxiety (this is essentially the ego not wanting to change—also did not know that at that time), feels like my brain is going insane, deep releasing of emotions, crying, feels like you are falling apart (because you are to get to the next level of embodied consciousness), insomnia, and general just deep discomfort. It’s not fun. But after each cycle I always came out lighter, more joyful and fully embodying the shift. This is growth. It’s not pretty, it’s not fun and it definitely feels like you are going mentally insane. But the other side is always beautiful and peaceful and filled with a new perspective and way of living.

The next stage of my awakening path is honestly a little but murky (I have a hard time now remembering some pieces of my past as it feels like eons ago/a different person (because it was). But the next year I kept my daily meditation practice but also essentially had incorporated spirituality and the alignment with truth fully into my daily life. It’s how I tried to live and the place I tried to come from every day. It consumed a lot of my thoughts and energy behind the scenes and I would read a ton about it, start my day with a daily dharma and read Buddhism articles and books nonstop. It became deeply, deeply ingrained into my everyday living. I honestly can’t remember when I stopped drinking all together but it was probably somewhere in here. I had already drastically stopped after my wedding, but this is when I really couldn’t drink anymore. It just wasn’t part of my path. Also—I was never an alcoholic nor addicted to drinking, I am more just saying that I could intuitively feel that I couldn’t walk this path while also drinking (even one glass or beer). It just didn’t align for me.

I went through another cycle of transformation and growth that next fall and it was yet again messy, and filled with a lot of emotions, challenging, and deeply uncomfortable.

The next summer was when my husband and I decided we would start trying for a baby. This was yet another cycle of continuing to grow, transform and let go of fear. That is one of the main themes in my awakening journey. The constant cycling of letting go of a lot of fear.

I was so afraid to have a baby but ironically, we got pregnant really quickly. I will never forget lying in bed not able to sleep terrified about bringing another life into this world and all that would entail. I could feel the shifts in my body and I was terrified. I remember in the middle of the night saying in my thoughts that I wasn’t ready yet and then a day later I had a miscarriage. That was my first taste of the power of our thinking, beliefs and thoughts. I essentially stated to universal life force that I wasn’t ready so I had miscarriage. Our thoughts and beliefs carry immense power (lessons that I learned more deeply in a later cycle of growth).

That August I had yet another miscarriage and I was depleted and exhausted and so scared but I knew that I had to have the courage to go beyond my fear and say yes. I had to stand there and say yes even amongst my fear. So I did. I took the leap of faith and I got pregnant and I kept saying yes even amongst the fear. And that fall during my first trimester, I went through yet another cycle of growth and transformation. Because I was willing to look at my fear in the face and still say yes, I was able to accept and say yes to life no matter what. During this cycle was my first glimpse of truth (although I didn’t know it at the time). I remember I was in the midst of looking my fear in the eyes and I had a day where everything was beautiful and serene and peaceful. Even though the skies were smoky outside from wildfires raging and it was hot and sweaty, I was within a place of deep peace and the world was beautiful. This was a taste of coming home. Of the true nature within all of us. Of source.

Summer of 2021 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and continued my growth path, meditation and spirituality.

My next large growth cycle took place the summer of 2022 when we moved to a new home. I was deeply grieving our old life and knew that my soul was calling on me to yet again grow, transform and change as I continued to cycle closer to truth.

This one was the deepest growth cycles thus far and the universe interspersed clues, teachers and lessons along the way.

I yet again found myself in a deeply uncomfortable place, releasing intense emotions, filled with fear and anxiety. I greatly disliked our new home (looking back know it’s because it was a decision based in ego and not soul), location and life, but truth was there to call me back to source yet again. Truth was saying accept, let go and be. And that’s what I did. I sat outside our house and faced the intense discomfort and I opened my heart and said yes to life even amongst my fear, even amongst my discomfort. And the biggest shift yet happened. I think some call this a kundalini awakening. It was an intense rush of energy from my spine to my crown and for months and months after (honestly the Kundalini lasted a couple of years) I had releasing energy moving through my gut center and heart center. Looking back on this now, this was another large shift back to truth. I came to a place where I was essentially embodying a higher vibration of consciousness for a couple of weeks but it did not last. My ego once again took over but I was deeply changed and truth was calling out to truth. I also had some deep seeings and knowings although again I didn’t truly understand them at the time.

That next fall and winter I continued my underlying consistent obsession with knowing truth/with awakening and I started to live things in a bit more embodied way. And looking back on it now, it was never ‘my’ wanting to come home to myself. It was spirit acknowledging spirit and wanting to come back to itself. It’s was/is always my Higher Self calling itself back. To become whole.  I could very much see all the ways in which my personality interacted with the world and begun to bring a lot of awareness to this.

I would say as the Kundalini energy continued to cycle through my system, that winter I was called to shine a light on all the facets of my personality. I started to acknowledge and shine truth within things like people pleasing, and my drive at work to exceed (which was not coming from my soul but a fear of failure), etc. Many facets of who we have become in the modern world are based on fear-based and limiting beliefs that we generate from our childhood, previous lives and our incessantly monetary and materialized focused society. I was beginning to unravel the aspects of myself that were not the truth of who I really am at my core. I was continuing to unravel the fears.

Then that spring I was once again due with another baby boy. And this time I was elated.

My pregnancy was a calm happy time and my second son was born February 2024. My first six weeks of post partem were challenging but oddly calm, peaceful and filled with happiness.

Then April came around and as I was sitting in my meditation practice I felt as if I was space and nothingness and deep, deep open wide peace. That’s when energetically my life catapulted me into my darkest, darkest cycle—a dark night of the soul.

The other cycles had indeed been extremely challenging, but this one, this one was by far the hardest. This one felt like the universe/spirituality had deserted me. My meditation practice wasn’t working, nothing was working and I just fell. I fell so hard, so deep, so dark. You can read other articles on my website about my dark night of the soul. I essentially had to fall out with everything and it was an intense ego dissolution and awakening to truth. All of the other cycles were shedding and growing in consciousness but this one was an actual embodied shift. I came out of this cycle a completely different person. A person who is in the process of living from truth vs. the ego. The ego is no longer in charge, universal life force is. My soul is. And as of this writing, I am still learning what that means and looks like and continuing to honor this precious gift that is within all of us—the gift of coming back home to your true self.

Throughout my awakening journey here is a list of themes that stick out:

·       We are all here to learn and grow and transform and evolve and sometimes suffering is a catalyst for this

·       Awakening is not about bliss at its core, it’s not a concept, it’s not spirituality, it’s just life, life living life. It’s about just being who you are without the thinking mind (but the biproduct of this is so much love and joy).

·       Letting go, surrendering were huge themes

·       Trust, trusting myself which in turn means trusting the whole universe because we are one and the same.

·       Religion, spirituality are all just concepts

·       Everything is truth and nothing is truth all at the same time

·       Everything at it’s core is the same, we are all the same

·       The awakening path takes courage to face our fears head on

·       Honesty, being truly and willing to see and be honest about all the different parts of ourselves

·       Not knowing. Cleaning ourselves out into a place of not knowing. This leaves us in a position where we embrace the limitless potential of the Universe

·       The awakening path can be a really hard path at times

·       The universe is a powerful, creative lifeforce and that is what we all are. We are that and that is us. We are god, we are source, we are all that ever is and ever was.

·       The ego is just habit energies, fears, beliefs, thinking patterns. It’s not real.

·       Truth is a manifestation of everyday life constantly flowing

·       We have to release all of our baggage in order to be the beautiful, light, free, glowing, glorious beings that we truly are

·       At the end of the day, we are all just pure love. That is who we really are.

·       Duality is a concept of the ego, oneness is a concept of the soul.

·       Awakening is a calling to live from the heart vs. living from the ego-based thinking mind